Dear Self, Welcome to 27.

On the eve of my 26th birthday, I was...SAD.

I had just went through a breakup a couple of months before and I was just SAD. FOR MONTHS.

LOTS of tears.

Probably MORE snot, though.

It was ugly, sis!

I didn't want to be sad, so I asked GOD, "Dad, please take this from me. I don't want to feel this anymore." And if you've been following this blog for a year, you'd know GOD flat out told me, "NO."

RUDE, RIGHT?

So back to crying I went. And the more I cried the more I just felt DRAINED and...SAD. Heartbreak, disappointment, and the feeling of self failure seemed to have confiscated any possibility of joy and peace for me, so there didn't seem to be anything to look forward to about 26 other than just being well...alive.

I later realized that in my 25th year, GOD was purging out what He saw was no longer serving me–people, places, the need for affirmation from those people and places, fear, doubt, and unhealthy habits. It hurt, but it was necessary. By the time that process was all over, while I was just thankful to be alive, GOD was preparing to not only restore me, and pour so much more into me.

I didn't quite see that (but ya know, when do we ever really see all that GOD is doing while we're too busy crying and snotting?!).

Walking into 26, I only had two goals: continue to trust GOD and show up as the best version of myself in the spaces He's allotted me to. Simple goals they were, and I must say they steered me no wrong.

And now entering into my 27th year, those two goals have made room for me. GOD utilized the space I created within those two goals to gift me with something I hadn't even known I was missing before: FREEDOM.

I broke free from a lot in my 26th year, but I think the area of my life where I experienced the most freedom was in relationships.

There were a handful of relationships–both romantically and platonically–that had not just my emotions in bondage, but my self worth and self identity in chains as well. And because I was so used to relying on those relationships as a source of affirmation, it wasn't easy for me to see how they were no longer serving me.

But GOD!

After my therapist presented me the choice of freedom during one of our sessions, I thought to myself a lot about what FREEDOM would look like for me. I thought about how it would feel, too. I also thought about what it would require of me–and that my friends is THE GHETTO of freedom.

FREEDOM sounds good, but it requires a great bit of courage and tenacity; it's not for the weak at heart. You have to be willing to leave behind all that you have known in order to not only obtain what is rightfully yours, but to claim and take what is rightfully yours BY FORCE. You can't be cute with it, sis!

So I had to get deep in it; my edges were a little more kinky than curly by the time my freedom was obtained. I had to cut off some people, I had to block some people (oh, sis, we'll talk about that soon! I GOT TEA!), I had to put others on notice. I also had a take a good look in the mirror; I had to identify who I wanted to be for me–and not for anyone else. And I had to decide if that version of myself was going to be enough for me.

What they don't tell you about FREEDOM is that it requires a shedding of yourself; there is a need for self transformation. And you may become a lot more wiser, outspoken, and more guarded than you were before. Let me assure you: this IS NOT a bad thing! But some people will try to convince you that it is.

Why?

Because they are unfamiliar with this version of you.

Before my freedom, I cared a lot about what people thought and felt about me. So much so that I could have let it kill me. And that's not to be morbid or dramatic, but a lot of my self worth and self affirmation was wrapped in this idea of what Nic was, but not actually who Nic really was.

I was the "shy, introverted, nice girl." I was called passive a lot because I wasn't quick to want to engage in confrontation, and that fit that "shy, introverted, nice girl" label. But truthfully what people didn't know is that over the years of playing into that "passive, shy, introverted, nice girl" role and being called that so much, I developed a really bad temper. Underneath that "nice girl" was a lot of built up rage and animosity toward people who were–in a subtle and subliminal way–really calling me weak.

AND I GOT TIRED OF THAT!

By the time 26 hit, I was ready to throw hands...a lot. Never actually had to, but whenever a problem or disagreement came about, what came off as me being "quiet" or "dismissive" during confrontation in certain situations, was really me trying to discipline myself from hopping across a table to fight or say something that would shred a person into a million little pieces.

I didn't want to know what that rage could do. I didn't want to see that "shy, introverted, nice girl" become the Tasmanian Devil. And I definitely didn't want to catch a case for that because catching a case for fighting at 26 is not very cute either, sis. More than that though, I didn't want this hidden and suppressed rage to taint my ability to bring the Gospel and love of Jesus Christ to the people GOD assigned me to–including those who hurt me.

So...I had to decide: "Who do YOU want to be, Nic?"

I wanted to be FREE–FREE from the opinion and affirmations and labels that did not serve me nor encompass who GOD had truly made me to be.

So, I spoke up more. I stepped up more. I walked with my head higher more. I introduced myself more. I apologized more. I forgave more.

I also said "NO" more than I did before–and that was met with more pushback than expected. But as my therapist tells me, "Your 'NO' is a complete sentence. It doesn't need an explanation."

I've said "NO" a loooooooooot this year to people, places, and things that were a New York City dumpster truck to me (that's my way of saying it was TRASH!). In fact one of the things I said "NO" to this year was my career in TV news...I'll explain that one the next time we meet again, sis.

Simply put, my 26th year was full of "NO's"–necessary "NO's" that would eventually make room for me saying "YES" to so much more.

I said "YES" to my FREEDOM.

I said "YES" to my black skin.

I said "YES" to my black body.

I said "YES" to my black mind.

I said "YES" to black love and a beautiful black man.

I said "YES" to...me–free from anyone else's affirmations that weren't rooted in GOD's truth about me.

This 26th year has been quite a journey–a humbling and honest one, yet still so exciting, beautiful and full of GOD's faithfulness.

Like I said, I had two goals–to trust GOD and to show up.

And I did just that.

Was it always easy to trust Him & show up? No...but it was so worth it.

Self, I cannot begin to tell you how proud I am of you. You've obtained something many people take their whole life trying to obtain–SELF LIBERATION. That is a gift; trade it for no one. Settle for nothing. Be thankful for all things. And in everything, keep trusting GOD.

You are brave.

You are brilliant.

You are full of light.

You are fully worth it.

Thank you for pushing through and staying committed to our journey.

Dear, Self...Welcome to 27.

xo, Nic.