The Reality of Your Witness: Dating a Non-Believer

Originally Written for the Sacred Desk

I grew up in a traditional Christian household.

Both of my parents were Christians, we went to church every Sunday, we were involved in our churches, and even when my parents divorced, I still found myself in a pew every Sunday with one of my parents. When I started dating, my first boyfriend was a member of my church, second boyfriend was a camper I met in church camp, and my third boyfriend was one of my best friends in my youth group.

And then I went off to college.

During my sophomore year, I met one of the most caring, challenging, loving, and affectionate men I had ever met. We clicked instantly. We were both introverted with extroverted friends and I had been eyeing him since my freshman year when I saw him perform at this poetry show my first semester. I felt like it was fate when I met him formally and found out he was single. Slowly, but surely, we began spending a lot more time together and started having really interesting conversations. It wasn't long before I found out he wasn't a believer. He grew up going to a Baptist church, but later left the church because of some pretty confusing experiences...so, he abandoned the church and all he grew up knowing about Christianity. 

And to be honest, I can't say I blame him for leaving the "Christianity" he grew up knowing. But "we" left me confused. Was I wrong for developing these really strong feelings for someone who didn't know Christ? Was I wrong that I didn't want to end our developing relationship just because we didn't have the same belief systems? Was I wrong because I was pursuing what many Christians and preachers teach as an "unequally yolked" (2 Corinthians 6:14) relationship?

According to one of my friends at the time, I was, and according to my mom, I was, too. I remember having a conversation with one of my best friends about my relationship while we were in my dorm room after our summer apart. She began telling me about her summer and her recent self discovery after a breakup with her boyfriend at the time. She also told me about this Christian blogger that she began following, and I was super happy and excited about this newly evolved woman of God I was getting to know. And then she began to tell me she didn't think my relationship was of God because it was "unequally yolked."

I remember my heart sinking into my stomach. This array of doubt started rushing at a million miles per hour through my brain and I remember feeling heartbroken because at the time, I was happy...like SUPER happy. I was growing in my relationship and at no point did I ever feel like I had to choose between God and my relationship. But if he didn't believe in God, were we really progressing? 

I didn't believe we weren't because truthfully the fact that my partner wasn't a believer motivated me to be in my Word and really seek God for wisdom even more; my faith was activated and I believed that God could and would save my partner. 

So...I did my own research.

What exactly does the Bible say about dating?
Nothing. The Bible, in fact, really only emphasizes three kinds of male-female relationships: husband and wife, brother and sister, and motherhood and fatherhood. Sure there are relationships along the way between women and men that develop into some kind of acquaintanceship or friendships in the Bible, like Phoebe and Paul (Romans 16), or even Martha and Mary with Jesus (Luke 10), but the male-female relationships that are primarily emphasized are the ones listed above, more so the relationships between a husband and a wife and those developed out of motherhood and fatherhood.

For the purpose of this conversation, the male-female relationship that fits best is of course husband and wife. I know I'm not married to this man, but again for the sake of this conversation, we'll take a look at what scripture says about being married to someone who is not a believer.
1 Corinthians 7:12-16, Paul writes to the people of Corinth,

"If any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving [spouse] is made holy because of [their spouse]."
And in Matthew 5:16, God call us to shine our light "before others so that they may see [His] good works."

Regardless of who we date or who we interact with, we are called by God to live our best lives among others, believers and non-believers, representing Him (2 Corinthians 5:20). Thus, no matter who you are around, you should always be displaying your best example of who Christ is, especially in your most intimate relationships.
I try not to give opinion where God gives clear instruction and wisdom, but with this specific topic there isn't a "do" or "don't"...

So where does that leave us?
With the Spirit of our greatest example: JESUS.

Truthfully, I believe that God guides us either to a lesson or to another level in our journeys with both producing fruit for our purpose. I also believe that God can use anything to get the glory that He is most certainly do (Luke 19:40). The wisest answer there is to whether you should or shouldn't date a non-believer is to truly seek God for guidance; there is a possibility that God has placed you in that relationship not just to draw that person to Him, but to also teach you how to witness to both those you don't know and those that are closest to you.

Our example of that is Jesus, Himself. In His time here on Earth, Christ was not just among the 12 disciples, priests and other believers; He was also among the commoners. From the very beginning of The Gospel (Matthew 1) to the end where Jesus is crucified among two other commoners (Luke 23:33-43), we never see Him afraid to touch or interact with people. Even when His own disciples are brushing people away from Him, we see Jesus stop multiple times to touch, heal and give hope to those many have already written off (Luke 8:26-56). Jesus was a friend of the commoners, for in fact, the common people are who He came to save. Christ came not just for believers, but for those who are not believers. To Him, every single person is worth dying for and to Him, every single person is worthy of His grace and His love.

That's how I approach my partner. I understand his hurt by other Christians and I try my hardest to not change or invalidate his experience. Instead, I attempt to invite him to Christ--the loving, gentle, and accepting Savior that I know, and to the Good Father that has been there for me when no one else has. 

I plant seeds, now, so that if I am or am not the Last Jesus my partner encounters, those same seeds may grow into a self inquiry, thus igniting and empowering a self discovery of who Jesus really is for my partner.

I pray without seizing because it is my hope that anyone who I love knows Christ and gets to spend eternity with Him. But it is also my hope that anyone I love gets to experience the true beauty of what it really means to have a relationship with Christ and see the abundance of such relationship while they are living (John 10:10).
I pray this encourages you even if it doesn't provide all the answers, but if anything else I pray that it encourages you to always draw nearer to God as He draws nearer to you, and to live your best life in Christ.

Someone is always watching your life's witness, fam.
xo, Nic.