Everybody Can’t Go With You…
As I continue to journey through adulthood, there’s one lesson that has presented itself to me more times than I’d like to admit: EVERYBODY CAN’T GO WITH YOU. It’s not my favorite lesson because, truthfully, it sucks.
The idea of parting ways with people you love––people you cherish and dream a whole life with––can be daunting for anyone. But oftentimes, when life is presenting an opportunity to remove someone from your life, it’s necessary.
Recently, life presented me with this necessary and daunting opportunity.
A few weeks before giving birth, I parted ways with a very close friend of mine. It wasn’t expected and definitely not the easiest. Looking back though, I can see that it was necessary––as I was entering into this new season and new assignment of mothering a new human. This may sound off-putting, but I believe as GOD was preparing me for this assignment, He had to shed some things from my life before the assignment fully took way––and unfortunately, this friendship was one of the things He had to strip from me.
Now normally, I’d spill the tea about what exactly happened because I LOVE THE TEA! And honestly, that’s what my flesh reallllly wants to do. But for the sake of growth, I won’t (at least not all of it).
I’ll start by saying: Most relationships don’t end easily, and friendship breakups are just as bad, if not worse than, romantic breakups.
Back in late February, I received a voice note from said close friend telling me that since the start of the year, I hadn’t really shown up enough as a friend. Disclaimer, I’m all for showing up for our tribes, our friends, and our family; I take that seriously. But y’all for goodness sakes…I was VERY pregnant and in my last trimester; I’d also just lost a close family member. If there was anyone I was going and needed to show up for, it was going to be my darn self, DASSIT!
But from their experience, I was supposed to show up more for them, and to said friend, I hadn’t.
In the hours and days to follow, I remember thinking to myself, How? How could someone make this season about them when I am literally a few weeks, days––maybe even seconds away––from giving birth? How could someone not see that this was not the time?
Then, self doubt started to kick in…
Could I have actually done more? Could I have reached out more to let them know that I am there for them and that I will always support them? Did I not let them know that I love them enough? Did I really not show up enough?
I cried about it, prayed about it, yelled about it, talked about it, screamed about it, and cried some more about it.
Eventually, we agreed to table a conversation AFTER I gave birth…but apparently waiting until then was not enough. Two weeks before giving birth, another message came, ending our friendship.
Over And Done in just a matter of seconds.
To say I was not okay with it is an understatement because here I was, hormones ALL OUT OF WACK, preparing for this very unexpected, but blessed new assignment, and now, NOW seemed to be the right time for this?!
Absolutely not!
For weeks, I went from anger to doubt…and then just straight sadness. A couple of days ago, after putting the baby down, the house got really quiet, and that’s when it hit. I started sobbing to Neil because if I’m being honest, I really missed my friend.
I mean, here was this person who I adored. We’d talked about our future together––even how our future daughters were going to be as close as we were. And now, all of that was over and done with because, in a time where I was caring for myself and my unborn child, I couldn’t be there for said friend in the way that they “expected” me to.
It hurt deeply––and it hurt even more because they started dropping subs about me (I know, sis! TRIFLING).
Yet, I still missed them.
That’s the tricky thing about love and relationships: just because someone hurts you doesn’t mean you automatically stop loving them, and just because they leave willingly doesn’t mean that you won’t miss them. And I did. I missed my friend and I felt the gravity of that loss…still do.
But a good ol’ therapy session last week delivered some hope for me. After finally unpacking this whole shebang with my therapist, she dropped a gem. She said,
“Nicole, you have yet to meet all the people who you are going to love and who are going to love you back. There are still so many people waiting to meet you. There are more [relationships] to be made and more love to be shared. You have not lost; GOD simply opened you up even more to receive something new.”
See, sometimes we focus so much on what we’ve lost, that we negate the opportunity life is presenting to us to be open to more. As the old saying goes, “When one door closes, another one opens.”
What I’ve learned from this friendship breakup is that as we move into new seasons, adopt new assignments, and go to new levels of growth, it’s impossible to take everyone with us for a number of reasons. More often than not, when we’re transitioning, we have to let people go because: 1) we’ve outgrown them, and they can’t see us beyond who we used to be, or 2) they aren’t mature enough for the place where GOD is taking us.
As to which reason is the driving force behind my recent friendship fallout isn’t important, but I can say as motherhood unfolds, and as I am stepping into this new space as a mother and a wife, the people GOD has intended to be here are here…the people He has equipped to pour into me are here. Back in March, I wrote about how relationships change as seasons change and how Cream Rises To The Top. I can tell you, it’s true.
While I’ve come to accept where things are now with this friendship, it still sucks. I have definitely wanted to tell them off and be petty on Instagram––posting subliminal videos and posts in the same nature they’ve done toward me. But as I have been saying for months, my daughter really has become one of my greatest teachers. She was teaching me before she got here…and now that she’s here, she’s definitely teaching me even more. My daughter deserves better, so I am choosing to do and be better…
HOWEVER…Y’ALL PRAY FOR ME! Because I still be wanting to tell this child of GOD about themself.
But like my therapist said, “You have yet to meet all the people who you are going to love and who are going to love you back.” So…there is more life for me to live and more love for me to embrace.
And that’s what I want to leave you with, beloved.
Ending long-term relationships will never be an easy feat––especially when there’s real love involved. And when you’ve invested so much time and energy into maintaining those relationships, when it’s over, it will hurt you deeply. But life is not over. What’s ahead is greater than what once was (Philippians 3:13-14).
Everybody can’t go where GOD is taking you, beloved. As Pastor Sheryl Brady once said, "GOD won’t take your whole posse." When GOD is calling you to your next level, know that He will have to subtract some things before you enter that new level––including people. But if GOD removes something, He’s also adding something at the same time.
So be encouraged knowing that the people assigned to help you fulfill your purpose will always find you…or return back to you.
Always praying GOD’s love + light your way,
xo, Nic.
