It’s The Me For Me
Happy New Year, friend!
(whispers: and welcome to 2020 part two).
2020 part one was pretty ghetto for us all. And by the looks of caucasity and the audacity of caucasity in just the first few weeks of the new year, 2021 is already off to a pretty interesting start. BUT, I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge that even in the midst of chaos, a Black woman is now officially Vice President of THESE United States of America. (Shout out to Auntie Kamala Harris!) So no matter what caucasity throws our way, what life brings, what pandemic we’re still caught up in, we’re still charged with pressing on. Like we always have––even when we aren’t sure that we can, even when we aren’t certain of our ability to do so. Even with doubt and fear present, we prevail. We have remain–like we always have.
But there is a responsibility to remaining––specifically the responsibility of evolving. And throughout this pandemic, something has been evolving within me; something has been emerging from within me. At first, it was unfamiliar, but as the months progressed and life began demanding more from me, I realized that this inner work that was occurring was making space for something…well rather someone…
ME.
As crazy as it sounds, I needed this pandemic.
(Sis, what?!)
Yeah, girl! I NEEDED this pandemic––I needed the time, the space, and the opportunity to press pause for a second and figure out who I was at the present time and what I wanted for myself. To be honest, before the pandemic, so many things were happening––and they were happening fast. I had found myself in a new relationship that was progressing and thriving, and we were making all these great plans of what we wanted to do and accomplish. I helped launch a new show at my job and was now the Executive Producer of that show. Also, helped to launch a new station at my job and was overseeing that, in addition to taking on other managerial responsibilities and creative direction. My friendship groups were thriving. I was booking gigs and writing more. And while things were going great, I felt like I was constantly playing catch up and trying to catch my breath. Then…
BOOM, Pandemic!
And a lot of things just stopped. No more gigs. I had a lot less to write about because nothing was happening. My relationship (felt like it) was at a stand-still because all the plans we had for 2020 blew up, and we were learning how to navigate not just a long distance relationship, but a long distance relationship during a pandemic. I couldn’t go home to see my friends nor my family because New York was a hot spot, and my job basically told us to stay the frick in Maryland or else. And speaking of my job, that began to tank!
For four years, I climbed the ladder of success as a producer at a small market station in Salisbury, Maryland. I accomplished so many great things––I won an Emmy and other decorated awards, became the producer of the station’s leading newscast, built great relationships with my co-workers and management. I was enjoying my journey…until I got bored, and I began to feel stifled. At first, I thought it was the weight of the pandemic––and months of what seemed like we were covering the same story over and over again. So I tried some things differently––created new segments and tried to get more creative. But that still didn’t do.
On top of that, my contract was nearing its end. I had been applying to jobs left and right for months, but every station I applied to was now either on a hiring freeze or ridding openings they had originally posted. I began to freak out! My contract was due to end on July 5th and by June 5th, I had yet to hear anything back from anyone. So, I went to my news director and asked about possibly extending my contract for a few months. I wasn’t expecting his answer…
“We’re not extending contracts right now.”
EXCUSE ME?!?! After all I have done for this place?! You may not be extending contracts, but you can most certainly extend MINE!
“You’re the best producer we have and probably the best to walk through our doors, but because of the pandemic and budgets, we’re not extending contracts right now. But…I’ll talk to our GM. You’ve got to give me two weeks though.”
I was CRUSHED––so crushed. And I started to think the worst. I know he said to give him two weeks, but if you’re anything like me, you already know I started to think, “Where am I going to live? What am I going to do? I can’t just go home and sit in my mama’s house for the next six months or however long until this pandemic is over.”
Well…I didn’t.
A few days after my meeting with my boss, I scheduled a meeting with my pastor to discuss our church’s role in making space to talk more about racial injustice and police brutality in our community. The meeting went great…and then he offered me a job!
(WHAT?!)
Yup! He heard from a few people in the office that my contract was ending (church folk be taaaaaalllkkkiiinnngg), and he wanted me to come on board to start a new position the church was creating: the Media Director. “Who the heck am I to be anyone’s director?! Why me?!” He asked me a number; he met that number and threw in benefits! It sounded like a great deal. I told him to let me think about it.
Within a week, my news director called me back also making me an offer. Y’ALL SEE GOD REALLY COMING THROUGH!? Ya girl had options––in a pandemic. And as most of you know, I ended up going with my church––but not without A LOT of doubt. As I began to think about the decision I was making to leave TV news, I began to think about what people would say about me leaving the business to work at a church (it sounds crazy!). And while I knew this was the best and right decision for me, I still doubted my decision at first.
(How does this lead to you needing this pandemic, sis?!)
So glad you asked, friend. Well, me being presented with the option between my church and my station actually presented me with an even greater opportunity of choice––the opportunity: CHOOSE MYSELF. See, choosing to continue my career in TV news sounded good, but like I said, I was bored and realized that I was no longer growing at my station; I hit my peak. If I had stayed there, I would’ve been saying no to growth and the opportunity to do something I––nor anyone else in this area––has ever done before.
Choosing to leave what sounded good for what was actually good for me was me learning to put MYSELF––my growth, my peace, my sanity, and my own mind––first. Choosing to leave what sounded good was me also forgetting what people might have to say about it and valuing the power of my own voice. For a lack of better terms, I had to get to a place where I didn’t give a damn about what people had to say––not just about my career, but anything. People will talk, but at the end of the day the only voices that really matter are yours and GOD’s.
This pandemic taught me the importance of not only finding your voice, but listening to and trusting it as well. I started to learn the value of making space for my voice, and the value of showing up for myself before trying so quickly to do so for anyone else. I am still evolving in this new space and still grasping the gravity of this lesson, but I believe that if this pandemic had not happened, it would’ve taken me longer to grasp this lesson. And in actuality, making space for my voice has helped me to choose myself.
So, IT’S THE ME FOR ME, SIS.
It’s the listening and trusting my own voice. It’s the choosing to say “no” to working weekends because I need rest. It’s the leaving work on time so I can make it home to binge watch “The Crown.” It’s the ending all conversations before 8:30 pm so I can talk to my man in peace. It’s the putting my phone on “DO NOT DISTURB” after 10:30 pm because I deserve peace and a good night’s sleep. It’s now requiring 75% of my honorarium at the start of the event (the travel expense is separate & will cost you, too, boo).
Why? BECAUSE IT’S THE ME FOR ME––and MY VOICE. And it should be for you, too, friend.
So many of us have either lived our lives on the sidelines or have settled for less than what we deserve because we have been too afraid to live our lives out loud; we have been afraid to require what we are worth and speak it. We have been afraid of our own voice, intimidated by its groan, taken aback by its volume, and overcome by its existence. Well, let me tell you something, sis: SPEAK OR BE SPOKEN FOR. Either you gon’ open your mouth and make your request known, or you will willingly give someone else the space to dictate what you do and do not deserve. And what you deserve is the opportunity to define that for yourself.
My hope for you in this new year, friend, is that you, too, make space for yourself and choose yourself. ALSO, learn to celebrate yourself and talk your s*** when necessary. And it most certainly is necessary quite often.
Until next time,
xo Nic.
