Work For It.
Y’ALL…Adulting be HARD.
I know I have probably said that plenty of times, and heck, I’m even sure you’ve witnessed how adulting be hard in your own life. But it really be hard these days for me after taking on a new management position at my job, coming into my own as a new mama, trying to find time for myself, AND being a wife on top of alllllllll of that.
Like I said, it be hard.
And if I’m honest, while I do believe that I am making it “look” great, I don’t know if I believe I’m actually “doing” it great. Right now, I’m literally just juggling––work, motherhood, marriage and self ––all at the same time––hoping that one doesn’t fall. Sure, there are to-do lists, scheduled appointments, week-to week, day-to-day and sometimes minute-to-minute calendars, meal plans, and other planning tools that I use to keep my family’s livelihood in order. But I would be lying to you if I said there weren’t things that fall through the cracks every now and then.
One of those things falling through the cracks right now: one-on-one time with my husband.
I must admit, I do not hype up my husband enough––and not because he’s fine, which he definitely is! Not because he’s extremely talented. Not because he’s one of the most gifted artists. Not because he’s the most perfect and amazing dad to our little girl. Not even because he’s the most patient, most kind, and most loving husband to me. It’s because he’s the most understanding person that I know.
When we got married––and even while we were dating, Neil didn’t require a whole lot from me. He knew my job could be super demanding at times and that outside of work, I was a busy body. While I’m not exactly an extrovert, I don’t necessarily like being to myself inside the house all of the time. I like going out…A LOT. Neil on the other hand is more laid back and likes to chill at home. For him, our opposite natures weren’t grounds for distance, but rather an opportunity for him to support me even more. There is no doubt that my husband supports my career and even my abrupt trips to Target on a Saturday morning after he’s played stay-at-home dad, the 48 hours prior to, on his days off. Neil gives me space, and he allows me to take up as much space as I need to. One of the most common grievances I’ve heard recently from women who are married to other creatives or just men with dominant careers is that their husbands take up all of the space in their marriage. For me, I’m fortunate enough to have the opportunity to take up my space and then some––knowing that when it’s time for my husband to take up space, it won’t be as difficult to humble myself and make room for him because he’s always done so for me.
I’m blessed to have Neil, and I think that’s what’s been frustrating me a little bit lately. Because I know how blessed I am to have the husband that I have, I also know that I want to show him that I appreciate him.
BUT WITH WHAT TIME?!
We both work opposite schedules, we’re now the family that gets invited to kid parties, we’re trying to build community with our friends from church, we’re trying to excel at our jobs, we’re trying to expand our businesses, trying to expand our finances…trying this, trying that…so when do we have time for us?
Hardly Ever.
And I don’t know exactly what hit me––or when it hit me––but what I’ve realized in the midst of trying out this new circus act called “My Life” is that prioritizing time with my husband is a necessity for me. It is a must––not a suggestion, but a much needed time, for not just our marriage, but for me included. I am such a better person, better friend, better leader, better woman because of the wisdom and leadership GOD has deposited into my husband. There have been numerous times when I have been ready to turn up and go off on people, but in comes Neil checking me quickly. There have been more times than I would honestly like to admit where anxiety was great within me, and Neil would remind me that peace is my portion. No one really knows this but during my pregnancy, I would have these really bad panic attacks in my sleep whenever I would dream about my dad being gone. I don’t dream about him often, but normally when I have dreams about my dad, they’re happy dreams and sometimes even prophecies or confirmations. However, for some reason during my pregnancy, I kept having dreams of trying to bring my father back or dreams that I was losing him all over again; they were daunting. In the midst of having them, I would start having full on panic attacks––heart racing, heavy breathing, crying out loud, and sometimes, even screaming. And every single time, there was Neil ready to hold me through them and carry me back into peace. He prayed over me without hesitation and would not let me go until that last tear fell.
He’s the best, and I can’t imagine doing this life without him, which is why prioritizing spending time with him is now my MAIN priority.
But Nic, what about your job and your baby?
Yeah, I know! But if I don’t prioritize time with my husband, my marriage fails, and then, I’ll just be a really successful miserable person, and y’all don’t want that version of me walking around GOD’s green earth. Also, if I don’t prioritize time with Neil, but make Nova––no matter how cute she is––the top priority, she just becomes a point of contention and resentment for us both, and what child wants to be raised in that kind of chaos and trauma? One thing I am actively trying to do is prevent as much trauma and calamity, now, so that I’m not the reason my kids will one day need active trauma therapy. NO MA’AM!
Okay, so your husband is now your priority. What does that look like?
Well, it first looks like listening. Earlier, I said that Neil allows me to take up as much space as I need to and then some, but recently he asked me what my next few weekends looked like. I told him nothing right now, before he quickly asked me to keep those weekends free so that we could spend some time together. Every weekend in this month, I have been meeting up with someone or going to do something, to where I hadn’t really spent a whole lot of time with my husband. Now, I could’ve shrugged him off and told him that being out and about is really helping me postpartum, and he would’ve obliged. But I didn’t because again, prioritizing time with Neil isn’t just good for our marriage; it’s good for me as well.
Can’t y’all just schedule a date night or something every couple of weeks?
Y’all don’t got young little baby kids, do you? Or maybe you do and just don’t know how expensive childcare is right now, or how finding people you trust to watch your little infant is A LOT. Neil and I would love to go on date night solo dolo every week, even bi-weekly. BUT we live three hours away from family, and while we are building community with our church family and have even been offered childcare services, it still takes a lot of trust to put the life of your little baby into someone else’s hands.
So again, what does prioritizing time with your husband look like for you with all these other stipulations??
It looks like WORKING FOR IT.
Being a working wife and mother can be overwhelming at times, but I am constantly reminded that GOD graced me for this. I remember when I prayed for the things that I have now––especially my marriage. If you’ve been following my journey and reading my blogs from the start, then you know how difficult #TheRibLifeJourney has been for me and how excited (and sad lol) I was when I got married. This marriage is a blessing and one that I didn’t think I deserved. Then, you have the fruit of my marriage––my daughter––a complete unexpected blessing. I don’t talk about my career in depth here, but that’s another blessing that time and time again I am in awe of. Three blessings all bestowed upon me to not just enjoy, but to maintain.
I believe that when GOD blesses us with anything there is a precursor to it––a required preparation, and this preparation is required because while the blessing will be enjoyable, it will also come with the responsibility of stewardship. When we truly live a life submitted to GOD, there are certain things that He will not give us until He can trust that we know how to guard and steward them well. Now if you don’t live a life submitted and surrendered, then gon’ ‘bout your business; this part ain’t for you and don’t apply to you. But if you are then you know that GOD builds us for the things tied to our destiny, and you know that “…He who has prepared us for this very thing is GOD, who also has given us the Spirit as a guarantee” (2 Corinthians 5:5); GOD will never give us more than we can bear.
So while my current life may seem like it’s a lot to handle, GOD has graced me for it––He prepared me with everything that I need to steward it and steward it well. Because GOD gave me my marriage, He’s graced me with everything that I need to steward it and steward it well. The same applies for you.
As far as what it means and looks like to WORK FOR IT will look differently for all of us, but these are the three things I am prioritizing in this season of WORK FOR IT:
Checking In: asking my husband every day how his day at work was and listening intentionally. Sometimes a simple “how was your day” can make a person feel heard and seen, and I want my husband to know that he is heard and seen––always.
Expressing Gratitude: I am taken care of very well in terms of my husband helping me out around the house, with the baby, and even with my creative projects. If I ask him, he’ll do it. A bad habit that I found myself falling into was not saying “thank you”––pretty much taking him for granted. Now, I not only say “thank you,” but I’ll stop Neil in his tracks or stop whatever we’re doing to express gratitude right then and there so that my husband knows he’s appreciated.
Family Fridays: Because our schedules are opposite of each other, Neil’s and my weekends do not match up at all, which means that we actually don’t have a full day together. Since he has off Fridays, I’ve committed to taking off at least one Friday a month to spend with Neil and Nova. While we’re still a bit skeptical about childcare and trusting people with our baby, Family Fridays will at least give me the opportunity to spend uninterrupted time with the two of them…and who knows, maybe if the baby goes down, mama and dada can get some alone time, too (wink wink!).
Again, what WORK looks like for me, may not be what WORK looks like for you, but WORK will still be required of you. You are being entrusted to steward what you have well, which means that it requires WORK. So if it means something to you, WORK FOR IT; anything worth having is worth putting in the WORK for.
Always praying GOD’s love & light your way,
xo, Nic.
