GROWTH 101: Relationships Change.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this season of my life as a newlywed and soon-to-be mama it’s that your relationships will change.
To be honest, they have to change.
For one, whatever priority relationship you had before marriage––whether that be the one with your parents or your friends––is now secondary; your spouse is now head honcho…and that goes for both husbands and wives. Add a baby on top of that, and you’ll be lucky if you can answer a text from anyone––mama, daddy, sister, cousin, bestie, etc.––within a two week time frame.
It’s hard! And to be honest, it can take a toll on you.
A few weeks ago after getting home from work, Neil and I were about to go to bed, and I just randomly started sobbing. He asked me what was going on, and I told him earlier that day the thought of losing my friends crossed my mind…and it scared me. I began to think that because I’m about to become a new mom that my friends would no longer want to hang out with me; they would no longer invite me to functions…I feared that they would no longer see me as a viable part of our friendship––just a washed up has-been mom who used to be their friend. To make matters worse, in the last few months, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a shift in some of my relationships––familial and friendships included. Whether it be because of new distance, new priorities, or just new life seasons, people I was once super close with, I’m no longer as close with right now in this space. And sometimes that just makes me really sad.
After swearing that I’d be alone for the rest of my life without any friends and making him swear to be my friend forever, Neil tried his best to console me––reminding me that what I was feeling was normal, but there was one thing he said that stood out to me: if your friends and certain family members are meant to stick around, they will. While his words felt good, I still wanted to know if what I was experiencing was actually normal for other moms.
A few days after my emotional breakdown, I joined this mom’s group on Facebook (I know, I’m really showing my “approaching 30” age here). In my quest to see if my husband was right, I asked the group if any of them had experienced this same feeling and what was their advice for coping with it. I received some really amazing answers, but this one was my favorite:
“[In this season,] some of your friendships will blossom while others will wither. All of this is normal. You are also not the same. Some of your interests will shift as well. Weekend brunches, impromptu girls trips and midweek happy hours will be on hold for awhile––not forever…Your true friends will be there without requiring copious amounts of your time. Cream Rises To The Top. Your focus will need to be centered around nurturing your newborn, marriage and yourself.
“Cream Rises To The Top”–– THAT PART RIGHT THERE!
Growing up, I didn’t really have a whole lot of friends. Not because I didn’t grow up around really dope people, but because I was super introverted and insecure, it was difficult for me to connect with people when I was so in my head about a lot. Thankfully, that changed once high school and college rolled around. But still, if I’m honest, I’ve never been the friend to be the center of attention––same with my family. It’s just not my thing. I rather be the one supporting my loved ones, cheering them on, and helping them out. I’m the one that will stand by on the side of the stage, doing all the dance moves just in case you forget during the middle of the act and need someone to feed you the moves. I’m the supporting role.
And for a long time, I was comfortable being just that.
Until recently.
Maybe it was the spontaneous growth I experienced during this pandemic, or just the energy my body is currently stealing from me while it’s preparing to birth this beautiful baby in a few weeks, but y’all, I’ve got tired of playing the supporting role. I am tired of helping other people get to where they need and want to be, but never getting asked for that same help in return.
What about what I need?
What about what I want?
What about my stage?
What if I forget the dance moves––who is going to be on the side of the stage feeding me the moves?
In this season of pregnancy, I’ve began to ask myself these questions more and more. And the more I’ve asked them, the more I’ve realized: some of the people who I call my family are actually just blood relatives. Some of the people I thought were my friends actually aren’t; I am theirs, but they aren’t actually mine. And some of the people connected to me are actually only connected to me because it’s beneficial to them––not necessarily because it’s equally beneficial to me.
It’s hard realizing these truths about some of my relationships––especially right now, but it’s also really refreshing. In a way, it’s let me off the hook. It’s given me a way out––a reason to cut the cord on what is no longer serving me.
As my journey to motherhood progresses––and again, this could be because this beautiful baby is zapping ALL of my energy––I am realizing more and more of the time and energy I do and don’t have for things. The time and energy I do have, I try to follow up with those who have actually been really supportive and a good covering during this time of my life…because it’s really been challenging at times, and I certainly needed community to help me pull through my first trimester with prenatal depression. As for the time and energy I don’t have…well, I don’t have the time and energy to chase anyone and anything that is not harvesting a safe, healthy and progressive environment for me––that’s work-life, relationships, and business ventures included.
The truth is as seasons progress and change, what you need from your relationships––marriage, friendships, parental, familial, business, etc––will change. There’s nothing wrong with that; adjustments are normal.
At the current moment, I’ve found myself needing more from my family and friends in the form of emotional stability and security. In the past month alone, I reached out to two of my closest girlfriends letting them know that I’m struggling with bouts of depression again, and I simply need to be reminded every now and again that everything will be okay––because these hormones have me TRIPPY. I admitted to them that there are days when I don’t feel like it will be okay, when I don’t feel prepared to be a mom just yet, and when heck, I’m just scared. On those days, I need reminding. And in this season, I need reminding…and I need reminding without it having to be about anyone else, but me. They were both super receptive and really supportive of what I was asking––and that has a lot to do with who I was asking.
Sometimes it’s not what you’re asking for, it’s who you’re asking. If you find yourself asking for what you need from a particular relationship, and it seems to be too much for them, it may be time to consider that you may need to CUT IT.
A problem I’ve seen all too often in my own life is when we think relationships will stay the same––including our expectations of them. An even bigger problem that I’ve seen is when seasons change, and what we need from certain relationships change, yet we don’t speak up because we think what we’re asking for is “too much.” We remain silent…and with silence comes the assumption that we’ll receive what we need from people without actually asking for it. But as the saying goes, “Closed mouths don’t get fed.” By choosing to remain silent out of fear, insecurity, shame or whatever other emotion may be hindering us, we compromise our integrity. I’ve witnessed my own self compromise the integrity of my needs in relationships for the sake of making others comfortable and maintaining the existence of those relationships. I’ve held back asking for more effort, more time and more support because I felt like I was asking for “too much.” All to end up left with piss poor effort, bare minimum quality time, and my favorite of them all…counterfeit congratulations––knowing good and darn well certain people weren’t actually happy when something great happened for me; they were just serving face.
I remained silent––thinking I was asking for too much, forgetting that even in playing a supporting role in someone else’s story, it’s still MY story, too. “Closed mouths don’t get fed.”
In the words of Dr. Thema Bryant,
“Giving all your attention to people who don’t care about you, makes you a side character in your own story. Your life is your story. Reclaim your pen. Less focus on them. More manifesting you.”
And I, Nicole Webb-McKnight, am reclaiming my pen! I am speaking up and saying that I will no longer serve as the supporting actress in my own story; I am THEE main character. Therefore, I will ask for what I want, ask for what I need, and ask for what I expect––without hesitation and without apology. From here on out you will get main character energy from me. And not because everything has to be about me, but simply because for too long I sacrificed my heart, my ideas, and my needs for the sake of focusing on other people. And in doing that, I surrendered a vital gift GOD had been trying to get me to utilize––my voice.
But no more.
And I pray the same for you.
When relationships change or end, they can be detrimental; it hurts. But like my sister-mama said, Cream Rises To The Top. In this season, your family members who are meant to rally around you and support you will be there––if they are supposed to. In this season, your friends who are built to stick around and uplift you will be there––if they are supposed to. In this season, your job will still be there for you after that maternity leave, paternity leave, sick leave, or PTO has come to an end––if it is supposed to.
What is for you will not pass you; instead it will meet you where you are––when it is supposed to. You should never have to second guess if what you are asking for is too much––especially if it is essential to your overall well-being. Sometimes, we just happen to be asking the wrong people or the wrong entity for it.
Again, seasons will change––so will relationships (Ecclesiastes 3:1-11). And that’s okay. But don’t you dare stop advocating for what it is that you need from your relationships as you grow more into the human being GOD has called you to be. YOU are the main character in your story––not the supporting role.
Always praying GOD’s love + light your way,
xo, Nic.
