The Part They Don’t Warn You About: Prenatal Depression
Pregnancy is one of the most joyous times any woman can experience…but it can also be one of the most darkest.
About two weeks after Neil and I found out that we were expecting our unexpected blessing, I felt an unexpected shift happen internally. At the time I couldn’t really explain it, but as the days went on, I started to feel like my body was betraying me. I was sleeping way longer than usual, and it was really hard to get out of bed. I was very sluggish and just didn’t want to do anything––let alone eat because I had a hard time keeping down food. I never wanted to open the curtains because too much light in my bedroom would disturb me. I didn’t want to go out because I just didn’t have the energy to get dressed or want to be around people. I also cried almost every day as I was leaving the house for work because I just did not want to go––which is very odd for me because I really like what I do! I just wanted to stay home, sleep, and put the covers over my head until the next day in hopes the next day would be better.
But when the next day came, it was back to the same wave––not feeling like myself, not wanting to eat, and not wanting to go anywhere.
On top of that, Neil and I were about two months into our marriage. The first month and a half of our marriage, we were very sexually active. We were both equally yoked in our desire to actively participate in praise and worship at least five times a week––sometimes every day. And then when this unfamiliar wave came, my libido was shot! I didn’t want to have sex AT ALL, let alone be touched. When that started to happen, I began feeling guilty and as if I was disappointing my husband because I could no longer hold up my end of our marriage, sexually. I would ask him often if he was happy; he would say yes, but I had a hard time believing him and swore he wanted to be somewhere else with someone else.
And then came some pretty dark thoughts.
I not only doubted my ability to be a wife, but I also doubted my ability to be pregnant and be a full person. And at one point, I didn’t want to be pregnant anymore. I never spoke of it verbally, but the more this wave felt like it was taking over me and drowning me in it, I secretly did not want to be pregnant––AT ALL. And I wanted to end it.
I felt so embarrassed and ashamed by that (still do a little)…because here I was––this healthy 28-year-old woman who had just conceived a child so easily––meanwhile, there are millions of women every day trying day in and day out just to see a positive pregnancy test. Heck, my mother was one of them! Yet, here I was not wanting to be and ready to end it?! Sounds ungrateful, right?
Well…
It wasn’t that I had a lack of gratitude.
It wasn’t that I was unaware of how great of a blessing it was to be pregnant and carrying this gift.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want my child…because despite all of this, I still did.
Instead, it was that I was going through a very rarely documented pregnancy experience: PRENATAL DEPRESSION.
Our society is just now becoming more comfortable discussing postpartum depression, but at least in my time of discussing mental health, researching it, and participating in my own mental wellness, I’d never heard of prenatal depression––ever. Never had a conversation about it, never heard a podcast about it, never saw a social media post about it––NOTHING.
It wasn’t until I was in the thick of my second month that I started looking up my symptoms: changes in sleep, energy level, appetite and libido.
Textbook Prenatal Depression.
According to the Beaumont Health Care System, prenatal depression is simply when women experience depression during pregnancy and while most women go through emotional ups and downs throughout pregnancy––which is completely normal, when feeling blue or sad for a few days becomes a regular thing and the sadness, anxiety and other negative emotions get in the way of everyday life, it might be [prenatal] depression.
About 7% of pregnant women are documented as experiencing prenatal depression (The Mayo Clinic), but honestly, I think way more women have prenatal depression and don’t even know it.
Like me.
It wasn’t until my first prenatal appointment towards the middle of my first trimester where I talked to my doctor about it, and she validated my experience that I actually began to understand what I was experiencing . She not only affirmed it was prenatal depression, but she also suggested I start seeing my therapist again. Scheduling conflicts prevented me from prioritizing my mental health for two months, and we clearly see how that benefited me. BUT, immediately after that appointment, instead of bi-weekly appointments, I booked weekly appointments.
And it helped.
What also helped was talking about it with my spouse and with one of my best friends who had other friends who also experienced prenatal depression. There was a brief moment where I shared my early experience with a loved one and they told me I was being ungrateful. While that caused me to shut down with a QUICKNESS and not want to share ever again, I didn’t stop there.
During one of our Sunday catch ups, my bestie asked how I was doing, and maybe it was the way she asked me or the fact that I just felt so heavy and tired of carrying it, but…I UNLOADED. And to my surprise, I found community. While she’s never been pregnant, my bestie walked side-by-side with some of her older friends who had children and experienced prenatal depression.
It may not seem like much, but trust me, knowing you’re not the only one going through something really does make a difference.
The more I was transparent about my experience with prenatal depression, the more I would hear from friends who knew someone who did or from more mamas who also experienced it––like my own mother! Even my mom––who struggled with infertility for years and finally conceived––had her own experience with prenatal depression when she was pregnant with me. But I never knew until I had the courage to share my experience with her.
And that’s why I’m sharing with you today, sis.
Because none of us should have to suffer in silence and alone. Prenatal depression isn’t a sexy topic, but it’s a necessary topic. The fact that statistics only show 7% of pregnant women are diagnosed with prenatal depression, yet a recent study shows that suicidal thoughts and self-harm among childbearing women nearly [have] tripled over a decade (University of Michigan Health Lab) proves that we need to be talking about this more. According to that same study, the greatest increases of pregnant women experiencing suicidal thoughts or participating in self harm were among Black women, low-income women, younger women, and women who were previously diagnosed with anxiety, depression or serious mental illness.
That’s a lot more than just 7% of the pregnant women population.
So what, I should just talk about what I’m feeling and everything will be okay?
No, everything won’t be okay––at least not immediately. But eventually, the more you share, the more you reach out for help, the more you push to do just that one thing that’ll help you take one step forward, you’ll slowly feel your head coming back up from under that deep wave of depression. You may not be able to open the curtains at first, but maybe you’ll be able to get out the bed for a few more minutes than you did the day before.
There is no one size fits all fix for prenatal depression, but if there is anything that I learned it’s that you have to go with what’s true for you. For some people it’s participating in online chats and community groups, while for others it’s relying more on their spouse. Some mamas are prescribed anti-depressants, while others choose to adjust their diets to go a more holistic route. Whatever method works for you, do it! All I ask that if you are experiencing prenatal depression––any kind of depression at at––or know someone who is, consider active therapy and discuss a plan that will help you.
Do not walk through this journey silently or alone…
Because you are not alone.
You are not the only one.
There is community for you, mama.
You just have to be open to hands reaching out to you.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)
Always praying GOD’s love + light your way,
xo, Nic.
If you are currently looking for a therapist in your area, here are a few therapy resources that I have actively used in my mental health journey.
*Disclaimer: This is not an endorsement nor a paid advertisement. The following links are strictly for educational purposes only. You should always consult with your doctor or primary care physician about the steps you can take to actively promote and maintain mental wellness.
- Therapy For Black Girls
- Therapy For Black Men
- Good Therapy
- Psychology Today
- Talk Space
- The Depression Project
