I Cried The Day After I Got Engaged…Because I Was Sad.
You read that right, friend.
An amazing man proposed to me in front of the most beautiful view––the New York City skyline, in our home state, surrounded by my two best friends, and both of our immediate family members…it was PERFECT.
But less than 24 hours later, I found myself driving down Route 13 back to my apartment in Salisbury…and I sobbed.
(SIS, WHAT HAPPENED?!)
I was sad–so extremely sad...because my singleness was over!
(WAIT…WHAT?! You just said the most amazing man proposed! Isn’t this everything you could’ve asked for?)
It was…but it happened way sooner than “I” had planned.
(Are you crazy?! Do you know how many women wish a man would propose right now?!)
I know! Which is why I’m writing this post, friend…
For the majority of the first half of my 20’s, I wasted my time hoping and praying and wishing that I was in any other season of my life, but the season of singleness. I dreaded my singleness. I blame Disney, every early 2000 neo-soul artists, Sex in the City, and any other rom-com I idolized. I blame them ALL.
Every night, I found myself up––thinking for hours upon hours about what my future husband would look like, where we would live, and what he needed to be like for me. Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with thinking about this, but when it starts to consume your life (which it did for me), and when people ask you how’s your dating life going, and you respond, “Oh, I’m just waiting on my husband” (which I have), you might want to reconsider how you’re going about your singleness, sis!
Back in 2016, I wrote this really dope blog post on making your singleness your BEST YEARS. I was 23 at the time, and after a few dating mishaps and relationship woes, I decided that I wasn’t going to waste my singleness anymore. I was going to keep dating, but I was also going to include a more consistent partner in my dating pool––MY DAMN SELF. Looking back on it now, whatever epiphany I had in that year was one of the greatest things to ever happen to me because from then on, I really started living and doing for myself!
I went on day-trips and took myself out to dinner OFTEN. I learned to cook––not because the goal was to prepare myself for “wifely duties,” but because I deserved to cook myself a good meal. I really learned who Nicole was and who Nicole wanted to be––what I liked, what I didn’t like, and what I might be able to compromise for.
From 23 to 27, I dated great men, endured heartbreak and a few bruises, but the best relationship experience I had in all of those years was the relationship I built with myself. It was that relationship that made space for me to build and develop the courage to say, “NO,” and mean it as a full sentence, as my therapist says. It was that relationship that made space for me to learn the sound of my own voice, and learn what it was like to assert my voice.
In that season, I learned what contentment really was. And let me tell you, CONTENTMENT IS NOT WHAT THE PURITY MOVEMENT DEFINES IT TO BE. That movement’s definition of contentment (and a whole lot of other ideas and ideologies) are a lie. The truth of the matter is you will not always be “happy” in your singleness, and you will not always be “satisfied” with your singleness. Quite frankly, you shouldn’t have to convince yourself or lie to yourself saying that you are happy and satisfied in your singleness if you’re really not! That’s what the purity movement tells you to do…and I’m here to tell you it’s full of (insert your favorite expletive here).
Contentment isn’t just about happiness and satisfaction in your current season; it’s about peace. And oftentimes we misplace our peace in the season that we’re in––because we spend a lot of our lives comparing the season we’re in to the season someone else is in. If we’re single, we compare our single season to the season of a person that’s already married. If we’re married, we compare our lives to the life of a single person. NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE, SIS! One of my favorite scriptures during my single season, and even now when it comes to my career trajectory, is 1 Corinthians 7:17. In the text, Paul says,
17 And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status [insert: or your career], defines your life.
YOU HEAR THAT!? Where you are right now wherever you are in life is GOD’s place for you. It is where He has destined for you to be in this moment in time. It is where He has placed you to gain whatever it is He has for you. And even in this place where you are, you can live right here. You can obey right here. You can love right here. You can believe right here.
LIVE IN THE RIGHT HERE, SIS!
(I hear you and all, Nic! That’s cute, but singleness is the ghetto. I want my man.)
I feel you, sis! There’s nothing wrong with wanting your man; I want you to get your man! But before he comes, before he walks into your life and answers every prayer and every dream, I want you to live your bestest and fullest life for no one else other than yourself. I want you to take cooking classes––not because you need to learn before he comes, but so that if you get tired of ordering takeout, you won’t starve, sis! I want you to buy lingerie––not because you’re getting ready for a man, but because you deserve to be sexy for yourself (we’ll talk about this one in the next blog post)! I want you to find your favorite wine or whatever reasonable drink it is––not because I want you to get drunk, but because I want you to not be afraid to celebrate yourself. I want you to enjoy your life, sis! Don’t go putting off your dreams, vacations, and plans because you’re waiting around for your singleness to be over.
NO!
Go take that dream job––NOW.
Go on that dream vacation––NOW.
Go to your dream brunch spot and take a full fledge photoshoot––NOW.
You don’t have to wait on someone else to start living your life, sis; LIVE NOW!
And that’s really why I was sad that afternoon during my drive back home…because I LIVED. I lived my twenties and my singleness so, so extremely well; I had the time of my life. It wasn’t always happy; I cried and was sad a lot. But I also had a lot of fun! And more than anything else, I wasn’t afraid to live. I did all the things that I wanted to do––and I didn’t wait on anyone to give me permission or anyone to enjoy them with. I enjoyed them with myself.
Sis, there is FREEDOM in that….freedom in living your best life for yourself, but like I said last year,
“FREEDOM sounds good, but it requires a great bit of courage and tenacity; it's not for the weak at heart. You have to be willing to leave behind all that you have known in order to not only obtain what is rightfully yours, but to claim and take what is rightfully yours BY FORCE. You can't be cute with it, sis!
But if you choose FREEDOM and choose to LIVE NOW, I promise you, your singleness will be so much more of a treat to you. You won’t always be in this season; this season of your life will not last forever. One day, it’ll be just an afterthought. And I don’t want you to look back years from now and regret not fully living your life. When you get engaged, I want you to mourn your singleness ending just like I did! Why? Because I want you to feel fulfilled and at peace with the fact that you maximized your singleness––and that you lived it well.
(So, you want me to be sad the day I get engaged?!)
NO GIRL! I want you to LIVE YOUR LIFE…and the day you get engaged and your man comes, I want you to keep living your life. I want all of us––myself included––to learn to maximize the current season that we are in RIGHT NOW. Nothing lasts forever…life, seasons, singleness…none of it. There is an appointed time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1-6), and if we waste that appointed time focusing on a season we’re not even in yet, we’ll miss out on the fulfillment and adventure that the present season has to offer us.
You won’t always be happy, single and alone; it won’t always be easy, but you can have peace and you can live your best life. So make the best of where you are. DATE YOURSELF TOO, BOO! (Realize I said “too”––meaning you can go out on dates with multiple people and it not be a sin; the church folk will stone me for saying that, so let’s keep that our secret!)
Love you & praying for you, sis,
xo, Nic.
