Looking for Something

If you're anything like me right now, your Instagram timeline has been FLOODED with A LOT of things lately–protein powder tea ads from social media "influencers" trying to keep making their coin during Corona-Quarantine, another surprise quarantine marriage proposal, B. Simone's Road to A Million web series (which literally had me in happy tears for hours), lit worship sessions brought to us by Maverick City Music...

And then you have the "spiritual" 'Gram posts.

You know the ones that talk about zodiac signs and their impacts on this season, or the ones with the cute hipster girls burning sage talking about the importance of cleansing your auras during this time...

And they'll tell you, they're not religious; they're "spiritual." At first sight, you might be quick to roll your eyes and judge. But, what if I told you, I used to be just like them–in fact both religious and spiritual. 

I've been raised in the church since literally before I was born. At 6-years-old, I accepted Christ as my own personal Savior, went to church every single Sunday with my mom and dad. Even while I was in college, I was super involved with my campus chapel...

Then something happened toward the end of fall semester during my senior year of college.

In late December of 2014, I had this very odd feeling. Like a switch had been turned off. Like the foundation from under me had been rocked, split wide open and I was falling. For the first time in my life, I began to question my faith, and I went numb. Soon after, it progressed.

My certainty in Christianity–gone. Going to church every Sunday–stopped. Being quick to participate in church-related things–stopped. Reading my bible–a lot less frequently.

All of the normalities I'd "practiced" for more than a decade of my life–all gone or stopped in what seemed like one instance.

I felt like I lost my religion.

And I was mortified. I didn't know what was the catalyst. I didn't know what was the reason. All I knew was that it felt worse than grief. Just two years before, the summer after losing my dad, I remember not feeling anything for months. I didn't want to pray to GOD. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to do anything. I just walked around for almost four months–feeling nothing...not happiness, not sadness, NOTHING. AT. ALL.

But even in that numbness, I still knew GOD existed. I still believed in His Son that I'd declared as my personal Savior.

However this time, it was different. I believed that there was a "god" of some sort–there had to be because how else would all of this exist and have meaning. But as far as believing in Christ...yeeeeeaaaah, not so much.

Prior to this loss of my religion, I had been out there. 

What do you mean, Nic?
Well, a few months before losing my religion, I had a really bad breakup. Pretty much everything I believed about men, love and relationships was A-town stomped on; it changed me. It changed my thinking, changed the way I interacted with people–let alone men. It also changed my heart's DNA. I stopped believing that "love" was for me. And after that breakup, I needed something to numb the pain.

So I started dating again. I was literally talking to anything that had legs and was the slightest bit of attractive. It was...A MESS to say the least. My good girlfriends were questioning who I was and what I had done with their super conservative sis. Truth is their sis was looking for something. She was broken and hurt–feeling rejected from the end of a relationship that meant a lot to her–and she was looking for something to make her feel loved and accepted again.

So, she tried numbing the pain.

But it didn't work.

Not long after this numbness, I picked up religion again, but this time I added a few things. In college, you're introduced to a lot of people and experiences, and I'd heard a lot about chakras and crystals. So, I went to buy some crystals, and every now and again I would lay on my plush rug, place my crystals on my "third eye" and wait for some kind of life changing surge to happen. I did this maybe once or twice in that year.

Well, let me be the first to tell you, that jawn DOES NOT WORK. 

Not a thing happened. Not a thing. 

There is no electric surge that rushes through you. And anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to you, sis. But I believed the lie because again, I just wanted to feel something.

Then in June of 2016, I moved out to the middle of nowhere Maryland for my job. For the first few months, there wasn't much in my apartment–just me, a blow up bed, the four walls of every room, and for the first time in a long time, there was also silence.

No guys around. No friends. No roommates. No family. Just silence.

And there's something to be said about silence–silence from people, silence from opinions, silence from religion, silence from yourself.

I found something in this silence. And it was a voice...a voice I had never heard before. It was GOD's voice–loud and clear. I remember I was sitting in the corner of what's now my prayer room and I broke down. I thought I was going crazy, but I wasn't. After years of being saved, this was the first time I had heard GOD's voice for myself. It was the first time I had encountered Him in this way.

And it changed my life. Not to say I didn't make a plethora of mistakes after–I most certainly did. BUT the difference was, at the end of all of those mistakes, I was always led right back to ONE THING.

I think it's safe to say that at some point in our lives, we all end up looking for something, but it's not always that ONE THING. 

Well why, Nic?
It all starts with a little story known as "The Fall."

After GOD creates Adam, the first human explicitly recorded in the Bible, GOD was like, "Look here, my guy...you can eat from EVERY SINGLE tree in this garden...EXXCCEEEEEEPT for that one right there, playboy! That's the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. If you eat from that tree, you're gonna ruin it for all your peoples. And I don't want you to mess it up for them because they're my peoples, too! Just listen to me, okay?! I'm your Dad; I got you! I know what's best." (Genesis 2:16-17) The command from GOD was to not eat from this one tree–plain and simple.

In the next chapter, that command is tested when the serpent enters the garden and questions the command. He asks Eve, the second human explicitly recorded in the Bible and also Adam's wife, "Ayo, Queen; let me holla at you! Did GOD really say you can't eat from all the trees of the garden?" (Genesis 3:1) And Eve replies super ratchet, flirting with the serpent like, "Ummmm, we can eat from all the trees, but that one in the middle, yeah GOD said we can't eat from it or touch it. And if we do, we'll die!" (Genesis 3:2-3)

Before we move on, it's worth noting, GOD did not say to not touch the tree. He said do not eat from it. See, GOD doesn't have a problem with our questioning of His command (touching the tree); He has a problem with us disobeying His command (eating from the tree). Eve clearly had the command all wrong!!! If you don't know the command, surely you're bound to break the command.

Anywho! The serpent then says to Eve, "Girl, you ain't gon' die! GOD knows that if you eat from that tree, your eyes will be opened and you'll end up being like GOD, knowing good and evil. Don't you wanna be like GOD?" (Genesis 3:4-5)

There are two messages I want to specifically point out with Genesis 3:4-5. The first is that when the serpent told Eve that if she ate from the tree that she wouldn't die, he basically told her that GOD was a liar. He conveyed that GOD could not be trusted with His commands nor His promises.

The second message is when the serpent tells Eve that GOD knew if she ate from the tree, that her eyes would be open and that she would see like GOD. That not only says that GOD is a liar and can't be trusted with His commands or His promises; that also says that GOD made Eve with a defect, and that GOD is withholding the solution to her defect from her. 

So, we have a lie and a defect.

The lie: if Eve ate from the tree, she would not die.
The defect: Eve's eyes were not open, and she was not like GOD.

Let it be known that when GOD made us, He made us in His image (Genesis 1:27), which means He made us without shame, without fear, without error–without imperfection. However, throughout our lives we are taught those things. We are taught that we are missing something, that there is something wrong with us, that we are not whole, that we have a defect.

And when we are made aware of these defects, we are then told lies about our identity that leave us feeling rejected–just like senior year Nic.

And just like senior year Nic, there are a lot of people right now–broken, hurt, feeling rejected from a past trauma, a heartbreak, a disappointment, or this ongoing pandemic–looking for something to numb the pain of their defect. But it won't suffice.

The truth of the matter is every single one of us is looking for something. Because of the serpent’s deception in the garden, at the core of our humanity is some form of distorted belief that in us lies a deficiency, or some kind of lack. And for many of us, we go out looking to mend that feeling of deficiency or lack. Some end up trying to find it in relationships like I did, others in money, some in religion or spirituality, while others are too confused or thrown off by the legalistic rituals of religion–that they turn from all means of spirituality all together. But again, at the end of the day, we’re all looking for something.

But what if I told you that “thing” we’re all looking for is found in a man named JESUS. That defect we all feel–that lack we all feel at some point in our lives–GOD has always been aware of. He was aware of it even before the Garden. He knew there would be a need for a remedy to our defects. So, He came as Himself in human-form (JESUS)–a flawless human, a defect-less human–to take on our defect and fix them once and for all.

Spirituality says rely on yourself to do the healing work–burn sage to get rid of the bad vibes and use your crystals to realign yourself. But how can the wounded heal the wound? How can the defected fix the defect? How can the manufactured fix the malfunction? Lighting some sage may help make allergy season a little easier to deal with (at least it does for me), but it will not heal your heart wounds, and surely a rock won't either (they just look really nice with all their pretty colors, which are a result of the Earth's dope abilities–which, IF I can point out, is GOD).

Religion says get healed and clean, then come to the temple or to the church. But where do the hurt go to get healed? Where do the dirty go to get cleaned? Where do the lost go to be found?

But Christ says "Come to me, I'll get you clean. I died for you, and I'll do it again. I was wounded, and by my stripes you are healed (Isaiah 53:5). I'll leave the 99 for the one–you (Matthew 18:12)." 

Friend, if you're looking for something, let me be the first to tell you that you are not alone. You are in good company–all of creation. Every single one of us was or are looking for something. Let me also be the first to tell you that contrary to popular belief, what we are all searching for is really JESUS–the remedy to our defects. And it is only in Him that we will really begin to understand the truth about who we really are.

You are NOT your defects.
You are NOT your past.
You are NOT your mistakes.
You are NOT your past traumas and hurts.

Those things might've changed the condition of your heart's DNA. I know that. But GOD is faithful to perform a healing work and restore you...because He already did through JESUS.

JESUS is the remedy to your defect; He is the ONE THING you've been searching for. You don't have to search any further. You don't have to depend on any inanimate object to heal you; you can rely on the ALIVE and RISEN Savior though. And in such an uncertain time like this, it helps to have Him walking through this with you. He's right here; all you have to do is accept Him.

Loving on you & Praying for you,
xo, Nic.