Nothing is Wasted

"Oh but when you get free..."

So here we are on the brink of another year–at an in-between, standing in the middle of a past and a future. 

And for me it's an opportunity for reflection.

As I've pretty much documented both here, on The Sacred Desk, the 'gram, and most certainly in real life, most of 2019 has been THE GHETTO for me; definitely hazed ya girl! But even in THE GHETTO, GOD has revealed to me so much in this past year. And if I could sum up 2019 in just one short sentence, it would be: NOTHING IS WASTED.

I went through some pretty disappointing moments at the top of the year. By March, I just remember feeling like there was nothing 2019 had to offer me; in those short three months, 2019 had taken so much from me–and taking one thing after the next, after the next, I was TIRED. 

I felt robbed.
I felt disappointed.
I felt betrayed...and I felt betrayed by GOD.

I felt like GOD had let me down. I was in my Word almost every day, going to church, serving in church, trying to walk right (still battled with lust–being honest here), trying to show compassion, trying to display what a believer should look like, trying to be there for my tribe, showing up for my students, showing up for my co-workers, working hard at my job, and just trying to stay above water. I thought I was doing it all right, but life still happened.

I experienced a financial setback, a career setback, the loss of a mentee, and then to top it all off the loss of my relationship with a man I thought I was going to be with forever. How could this calamity happen to me? 

And then on some random day in May after my spring semester of teaching was over, I remember just sitting in my prayer room in my apartment, sitting on the floor in tears–crying out to GOD. It went a little bit like this:

GOD, I don't deserve this!
Oh, really? Why? You asked for more.

But GOD, this doesn't feel good! If this is more, take all of this away–take this pain away. If you could, just please...this hurts, Dad. IT HURTS!
I love you, and I know your pain, but I can't.

Dad! Why not?
Because if I do, then you won't seek Me. How can I teach you to trust Me if you don't seek Me? How can you learn to hear My Voice more clearly if you don't seek ME? How can you discern My Spirit if you don't seek Me. How can I give you more if your hands are full and you won't give Me what you have? What if I have more for you, but you're too busy holding onto what's in your hands?  

And my hands were full.

At the time, I was holding onto a lot, specifically I was holding onto my will; I was holding onto how I thought my life was supposed to play out because of what I planned. I was holding onto the dreams and goals I had for my relationship; that man was my person and in my head, my future husband. We made plans–I made plans. But friends, when you accept Christ as your Savior, you are to submit and surrender; there is no room for your plan–only GOD's.

In order to submit and surrender your life fully to GOD's will and way for your life, you will have to give up somethings. Sometimes that's people and relationships. Sometimes it's the dreams we have for ourselves. Sometimes it's a job, money, a car, a house...whatever is holding you bound from GOD's will. If you truly desire to submit to His will, you will have to put down your life, deny yourself and your desires, and pick up your cross–daily (Luke 9:23).

This is not easy and it requires great sacrifice sometimes, but I promise you NOTHING IS WASTED (1 Corinthians 15:58).

After that conversation between GOD and me on that day back in May, I was humbled. I definitely had an attitude for a hot quick minute, but nevertheless, I was humbled. I also knew I had to make a decision about how I was going to move forward. Was I going to self-medicate in however way I saw fit (which most of the time for me translates to suppressing my emotions–eventually bleeding out onto other people) or was I going to do something different than my ritual habit and seek GOD to develop the areas of my heart that were broken because of disappointment and lack of trust? 

I chose the latter. 

But if I'm being honest, it got a lot worse before it got better. From March to October, I cried at least two to three times a week almost every single week. Normally, I can distract myself with work and numb my emotional distress...but not this time.

By the second week of October, things were so heavy for me emotionally that I was ready to quit. On October 14th, I had the biggest emotional breakdown (AT WORK! AT MY DESK!). I was ready to quit my job teaching, quit my job as a TV news producer, pack up my apartment, and just go back home to New York. I was emotionally drained and by then, it felt like I had hit the bottom of the pit.

What I failed to mention is that somewhere in the middle of all of this–being tossed and turned emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and even physically by THE GHETTO that is 2019, I started going to therapy (shout out to Therapy for Black Girls). I researched and found this really awesome therapist on Therapy for Black Girls, called her up on day after a stupendously ridiculous day at work and I was like, "Sis! I need help! Help me, please! NOW!"

And that she did.

Two days after my emotional breakdown, I was in session, telling my therapist about where I was emotionally and mentally. And lo and behold, after some serious unpacking, she helped me to realize that I was still holding onto my will. I was still holding onto my relationship. We were about to wrap up session when she posed the possibility, "Oh, but when you get free."

FREE?!?!? Free from what, sis?! Free from the possibility that GOD will work this all out and my love will return to me? Well what if I don't want to be free?

Not sure if this even makes sense, but I think that's what GOD needed to expose the possibility and the option of freedom. He needed me to admit that 1.) I was still holding on, and 2.) that there was a part of me that didn't want to be free.

GOD is a gentleman; He'll never force His way or His will...ever. But He is pretty convincing if I must say. I say that because within two weeks of that counseling session and my therapist presenting me the possibility of freedom, GOD revealed the agent of healing that He had been preserving for me that would not only love me through the process before obtaining my breakthrough, but also inspire me on the road to my freedom.

Hard? Absolutely–just told you I wanted to quit, sis!

But I kept pushing and when I tell you GOD has been faithful, I mean it!

GOD wastes NOTHING, friends–NOTHING. 
Not your heartbreak.
Not your dreams.
Not your sacrifice.
Not your faith.
Not even your tears–for even our tears are of great sacrifice unto the Lord (Luke 7:36-50).

GOD is more than faithful to restore anything. This is getting long, so I'll be brief in wrapping this up, so here goes: I don't talk about my desire for marriage much because it's not the sole focus of what #TheRibLifeJourney is, but earlier this year, I lost hope–hope that marriage was GOD's will for me. I knew it was a desire on my heart, but I doubted and lost hope that it was GOD's desire for me. So I gave up on it; I stopped believing in it. I felt like it was a waste of my faith, my time, my dreams, my imagination. BUT like I said, NOTHING IS WASTED.

It might've taken the last three months of 2019 for GOD to restore my hope in His will for me, but again, NOTHING IS WASTED. Even if it takes the last day of 2019 for GOD to restore you, your faith, your hope, your love, whatever, I need you to know, friends, that GOD is faithful and NOTHING IS WASTED.

The tears you've cried, GOD saw.
The prayers you've prayed, GOD heard.
The dreams you dreamed, GOD knows.
The desires of your heart, GOD is aware of.

I challenge you as you get ready to transition into a new year, into year 2020–a year of clearer vision, that you take the opportunity to reflect back on this past year, take a look at what you thought you lost, and see just how faithful GOD has been to waste nothing. 

And even if you are still waiting on GOD to work a miracle in your life, count it all joy (James 1:2-8), for we know that all things work together for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

Nothing Is Wasted, my dear friends. And I believe that what you have poured out in this last season of your life, GOD is going to restore and pour back into you in an increase.

Praying for you,
xo, Nic.