Sis, Buy Yourself Some Lingerie! Sensuality & Sexuality are NOT Sinful.
So…
Full disclaimer before we indulge in this very exciting and sexy conversation: I’ve already accepted the fact that “church folks” might call me a heathen for this post…and actually, I’M OKAY WITH THAT! My ministry isn’t to make them comfortable or to console their outdated, misogynistic, restricting, and unbiblical ideologies.
UH, UH! Not my ministry!
Instead, a part of my ministry is to actually re-present the idea of sensuality and sexuality through sound biblical doctrine (ie. what the Bible actually says and what it actually doesn’t say)––through the lens of transparency and godly wisdom.
So, now that we’ve got that out the way, LET’S GET INTO IT, SIS!
Back in November 2019, I found myself feeling super spicy after work. Nothing had happened––no sexy conversation between Neil and I, didn’t watch an erotic love scene just moments before, didn’t scroll past anything sexual on Instagram. I just came home from work, looked at myself in the mirror and was like, “WOW. She’s fire; she deserves amazing things!”
In that moment, I felt empowered, but not long after putting on a sexy playlist, pouring myself a glass of wine, taking pictures of myself FOR MYSELF, and parading my still fully clothed self around my apartment, I began to feel shame.
Okay, party’s over!
It was weird. I turned my playlist off, probably left the wine on the counter somewhere, hid the photos in my phone (they were just too bomb to delete), and ended up taking a nap. When I woke, to my surprise, I still felt shame.
Why was I feeling guilty about feeling sexy in my own skin, in my own home, for my own self?
A few months later, I tried again!
Got home after a long Sunday of church, running errands, and every family phone call, and I just wanted to be for myself. After taking off the day’s clothes, I put on this cute black silk robe I bought myself from Target, poured myself a glass of wine, and proceeded to give myself a mani and pedi. I LOOKED GOOD, SIS! But what do you know!? That heaux shame crept right back in––sooner than I could get the nail polish brush out of the jar!
I ended up tossing the cute silk robe and trading it in for some sweatpants and a t-shirt not long after.
(Sis, what is the problem? It wasn’t like you were out here sending nudes or something!)
GIRL, I KNOW! I was just out here trying to unwind, mind my business, and be real sexy for myself! But something internally kept hindering me from fully doing so; something internally kept inflicting shame and the idea that I was doing something “bad”––preventing me from fully encompassing this moment.
Where did this shame come from?
I have a plethora of assumptions that would fit as suitable responses to this question, but if we’re going to answer this question truthfully, I have to admit that shame and I have an almost 15-year-relationship. That relationship began with me losing my virginity at 16. I remember immediately after feeling like I was the scum of the earth, and like GOD was going to crack open the sky right then and there, the rapture was going to happen, and I was going to be “left behind” (shout out to all the youth groups that used this series as a scare-tactic; all of your youth are now grown adults still afraid that if they wake up and no one is home, the rapture happened and they got left behind!). CLEARLY, the rapture didn’t happen and I didn’t get left behind, but that’s what so many of us grow up thinking is going to happen when we’re first taught about sex.
And it’s not biblical…not even close.
Outside of this being unbiblical, ridiculous, and fantastical teaching, an even deeper issue is that for so many young people, our first conscious encounter with GOD is one of fear. We grow up being afraid of Him, instead of actually being introduced to Him and learning His heart for us.
And we wonder why millennials have left not just the church building, but y’all’s Jesus, too!
One of the most important conversations when it comes to identity for young people is the conversation about sex; it’s also one of the most popular topics because at that age it’s everywhere we look. We already know about it, our friends are already doing it, and we may be thinking about doing it or are doing it, too! So if that conversation is had and done so using a scare tactic––predestining and summoning young people to hell before we’ve even gotten to know GOD for ourselves, it should be no surprise when we grow up and have broken sexual identities. It should be no surprise when we grow up afraid of our own bodies, afraid of intimacy, afraid of being in the same room with the opposite sex, afraid of ourselves…afraid of GOD.
(What’s this got to do with you not being able to lounge around your apartment in your black silk robe, sis?)
A WHOLE LOT!
The way religion taught me to see myself––sensually and sexually––was through the lens of shame. Shame was already bestowed upon me before I even had an active sex life; it’s a religious heirloom of some sort passed down from one generation to the next, plaguing and robbing people of the opportunity to fully discover themselves, because we’re taught that sex––including sensuality and sexuality––is only for marriage.
Can I get “that’s a lie for eternity”, Alex?
Religion had me thinking that I had to wait until I was married to discover my sensuality and sexual identity, and if I tried to discover them too soon, I was basically a harlot!
Which is exactly what I felt like in my little black silk robe! I really thought I was a harlot…for walking around MY HOUSE, BY MYSELF, in a black silk robe FOR MYSELF! And a part of me was even scared that I was going to be “left behind” in my black silk robe!
CRAZY!
But let me offer up some freedom for us both, my good sis!
Let’s go back to when “sin” first entered the world: Adam and Eve, right? They disobeyed because they ate from the tree, and then they were banished from the Garden (Genesis 3:1-24).
23 So the Lord GOD banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken.
Notice how it only says GOD banished them from the Garden of Eden…He didn’t send them to hell. He didn’t kill them. He didn’t leave them behind. He just removed them from the Garden of Eden.
That’s it! No scaries. Just a consequence for doing what you were told not to do…sounds like parenting, right?
Now, let’s talk a little more about this shame thing and how, because of the way sex is taught to us by religion, we grow up afraid, shameful, and hating our bodies. Let’s look one mo’gin at Genesis 3, this time verses 10-11, where Adam and Eve are hiding from GOD after they sinned, He goes looking for them and Adam says,
10 “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” 11a And GOD said, “Who told you that you were naked?”
Sis, let me tell you, let me tell you…religious folk will tell you that you’re naked and need to put some clothes on before ever admitting their own behind and lace front are showing. But GOD ain’t afraid of your nakedness! When He created Adam and Eve, they were naked and remained unclothed until shame plagued their identity. The scripture says they were naked and unashamed (Genesis 2:25). And even before Eve came through on the scene, Adam himself was created naked! His single self was walking outside NAKED.
So why can’t I walk around my house in my silk robe or even naked––being sensual for myself?!
(But sis, you know the Bible lists sensuality as a sin, right?)
CONTEXT IS KEY, BOO!
If you read the WHOLE verse of the WHOLE chapter of the WHOLE book that speaks on sensuality being sinful, they’re oftentimes referring to coveting somebody else’s spouse. We ain’t talking about that here!
But we are talking about you––as a woman––being able to OWN her sexy and seeing it as a GOD-given gift. Sis, YOUR SEXUALITY IS A GOOD THING. And you should never be ashamed of it, nor should we allow anyone, but GOD, to have agency over expression of it.
In Genesis 1:26, GOD says, "Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness;” a part of that likeness is our sexuality. GOD made us GOOD––without shame.
So, I tried again, sis!
To kick that heaux shame in the face, I decided to ditch the black silk robe and kick it up a notch! This year, I made a vow to myself that I would buy myself lingerie every month––for myself! And as often as I would like, I would dedicate time to put on my newly purchased lingerie and do whatever the heck I wanted in my house!
I won’t lie, it took some getting used to. But I stayed committed to it; I stayed committed to the idea that my body is a temple, it deserves to be celebrated, it deserves to be loved, and it deserves to be acknowledged by no one before myself.
This body is a gift!
And I refuse to allow anyone to love it more than I do.
I refuse to allow anyone to dictate it or have say over it––other than my Creator and myself.
I refuse to allow false doctrine and false teaching to police my GOD-given body.
I refuse to allow societal and misogynistic principles to demand anything of this GOD-given and sacred temple.
This body is beautiful and unashamed. And before it is shared with my soon-to-be husband, it must be valued and cared for by me, first.
Same goes for you, sis! Wait for no one to love and treat your body better than you. Wait for no one to make space for you to express your sexuality; wait for no one to give you permission to own your sexy. BE SEXY FOR YOU, IF FOR NO ONE ELSE.
You deserve your sexy!
So buy some lingerie, sis, and go be sexy for YOU.
xo, Nic.
