My Fiancé is a Virgin. But… I’m NOT.
During one of the first in depth conversations Neil and I had, he shared that he was a virgin.
SIS, WHAT?! Those still exist?!
Yup, sis, there are still attractive millennial virgin men out here in these skreets…and mine is one of them.
Neil being a virgin is truly a testament of GOD’s grace because as he’ll tell you, he didn’t want to be a virgin at 28. But clearly, GOD had other plans for the kid.
Now, I don’t share this to flex. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. When Neil told me he was a virgin, I actually felt insecure. Because I didn’t wait.
Christian purity culture oftentimes projects emphasis on the responsibility of waiting until marriage on young women. Very rarely, though, do they hold young men accountable to this same standard. If you grew up in the church, you’re familiar with the “wait until marriage” theology. It’s been t-shirt stamped, wristband printed, put into spoken word poems, performed by Christian rappers, and even beaten into us by our pastors (and parents) who caught us kissing someone from our youth group (don’t act like you didn’t do it, too). “Wait until marriage” was the standard, but it seems for young men, there was a postposition––a buyout of some sort––that didn’t carry over to young women.
I lost my virginity when I was 16 about to be 17. For those of you who know my story and ongoing journey with celibacy, I dealt with a lot of shame and depression in the months and even years to follow that experience. If I’m honest, 50% of that guilt and shame I experienced was connected to my own conviction, but the other was rooted in the embarrassment I felt I would be if it got out to my church leaders. Would I look like a fraud? I was an advocate for purity and waiting until marriage––had a promise ring and everything. But here I was––no longer a virgin and drowning in guilt and shame.
And now that I look back, majority of the young women in my youth group weren’t virgins either…neither were the young men. However, the difference was that it was assumed that those young men weren’t waiting and that we, the young women of the group, were.
Why?
The short and simple answer to that is misogyny and gender bias.
Now, I’m not here to unpack the dichotomy between the misogynistic doctrine that still plagues the church versus the truth about what GOD’s word actually says about sex and gender equality. We’ll save that fun for another time. But I am here to talk about how that misogyny and gender bias impacts young Christian women––plaguing them into decades worth of shame and feelings of unworthiness.
For starters, I’d like to say that the way in which the church has handled young Christian women when it comes to preaching abstinence and purity has oftentimes been abusive and full of gaslighting. The way in which young Christian women are made to believe that their abstinence is somehow tied to the certainty of a good marriage and a good husband is absolutely absurd and incorrect teaching; it’s not biblical. In fact, this very concept is a part of the reason #TheRibLife Journey blog exists. I was tired of the concept of waiting being more about marriage, than about “the journey of godly women, consistently consecrating themselves and going before God, reevaluating the character and heart of who they are as women––BEFORE they pursue courtship and marriage.”
A woman’s abstinence does not guarantee marriage––nor should her abstinence be marketed and exalted for the sole purpose of marriage. GOD created women for more than just being married. And therefore, a woman’s decision to remain abstinent should be seen as a mere reverence of GOD’s command of her. The same should be applied to young men who choose to remain abstinent.
There are so many young Christian women (and men––even) who end up shunning themselves and summoning themselves to a life/season of singleness out of the belief that they are tainted––based on the false doctrine that surrounds Christian purity culture. And if that’s you, let me denounce the myth right quick: after repentance, YOU ARE MADE PURE. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, ‘Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he/she is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”
That means if you did not wait, but you’ve gone before GOD about it and made it right with Him, YOU ARE MADE PURE. GOD’s mercies are made new every day (Lamentations 3:22-23). Anything that tells you otherwise is simply NOT biblical and not a representation of who GOD really is. That doesn’t mean you continue to wild out and abuse GOD’s grace; what it does mean, though, is that you’re not going to hell and GOD is not going to punish you to a life of singleness just because you didn’t wait. Singleness is also NOT a death sentence or some form of purgatory.
Also, let’s be clear about another myth: VIRGINITY IS NOT EQUIVALENT TO PURITY. Just because someone has not physically had sex, doesn’t mean they haven’t done so in some other sense. Matthew 15:19 makes it clear that our hearts and minds are just as sinful as our physical nature, while Matthew 5:28 says, “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman/man with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her/him in their heart.” You’ve got a lot of virgins out here wildin’ out in other ways.
Now, the goal here isn’t to start a battle between who is purer than the other, or to advocate for premarital sex because we’ve got (spirit fingers) GRACE! No, no; hold up now! I still believe in what the Word says (Hebrews 13:4), and I still supported waiting until marriage while I was out here wildin’ out in these skreets, too. Again, the goal is to deconstruct the ways in which non-biblical doctrine has been used to abuse and project shame on young Christian women.
It took me almost ten years to finally free myself from the shame of not waiting until marriage because of this false doctrine that I believed. It took me until the latter end of my 20’s to realize that my sexual identity is not sinful, and that I can have a healthy sexual identity and not be sinful. Trust, I’m still processing what operating in my sexual identity with reverence for GOD looks like; it’s a journey, but it is so worth it. But I couldn’t have started this journey if I didn’t give myself permission to be free from shame and actually start knowing the word for myself.
Shame and unworthiness are not GOD’s will for us. GOD dwells within us–He dwells within you. The Holy and Righteous GOD of the universe dwells within you. 1 Corinthians 3:16 says, “Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?”
And therefore as a temple of the Most High GOD,
You are worthy.
You are blameless
You are pure.
And that’s what I had to remember when shame and insecurity tried to overcome me that day Neil told me he was a virgin. While shame and insecurity led me to deny myself the belief that I was even worthy of being a virgin’s wife, what do you know?! Almost two years from that conversation, I’m now engaged to that virgin and about to be his whole wife.
Guess who won?
Jesus!
Praying for you always, friend,
xo, Nic.
