Expecting The Unexpected.
So…
Moment of transparency: Sometimes unexpected blessings don’t feel so great in the moment.
And when they happen, they oftentimes send you on an unexpected months-long hiatus from your blogs because you’re still trying to navigate what the heck is actually happening. (This is my excuse/apology for taking so long to return to you, my tribe!)
I found out I was pregnant at one of the craziest and most busiest times in my life. Neil and I had just gotten married, we were learning how to navigate our work-life balance (heck we still are!), we were discussing him quitting his day job and going full time with his art business––meaning I would pick up a second job for a few months, I was also starting to get more involved at my church, and I had just started a new job a few months before. Clearly, a lot was going on!
On top of all of that, I was trying to gauge what I was feeling in the middle of so much change at once––newly married, newly moved in a different city and hoping to find community. Sure, I wasn’t always the happiest about living in the middle of nowhere Maryland before, but I found so much of myself there. I learned so much about who I was, who I wanted to be, and what I genuinely just wanted out of life during those five years of my life. To be honest, I actually loved living there and the life I created for myself there. Leaving that season and moving into a new one scared me a bit, and I think a part of me feared I would end up losing myself in all this change.
Then…
One Wednesday in August, I was supposed to go for a procedure to get my IUD inserted and I had to take a pregnancy test out of precaution. My plan was to prolong pregnancy for at least two years into my marriage. Turns out my plan was prolonged––well…rather just blown up!
I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but I wasn’t in a rush to be one…AT ALL. I loved my twenties way too much––I loved being selfish with my decisions, choosing when to come and go as I pleased, and I loved not having to really be accountable with my spending. Now granted, most of this was definitely checked once I got married, but there was still some level of freedom––particularly with my time––that I still had even in my marriage. And I wanted to hold onto that for as long as I could.
Something in me told me that “freedom” I so badly wanted to hold onto was over the morning of my IUD appointment. I was already two days late, which was normal for me, but something in me just knew. So, I decided to go to the drug store to buy a pregnancy test by myself. Why? Girl, I wish I could tell you; I think I was being dramatic! But ohhhhh the drama sure did turn up about 45 minutes later in the basement powder room of Neil & my’s townhouse.
First test: a bust.
Second test: NEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLL!!!!!
It literally had only been maybe five seconds before that plus sign appeared in bright blue on that stick. I broke down immediately. “I can’t be pregnant! What about my career? What about my job? What about my finances––we can’t afford a baby? What about me?
Me…
That was the first thing that came to mind––me.
Honestly, truly (Joanne The Scammer voice), I wasn’t happy about being pregnant at first. I was actually distraught and so unearthed because I felt like I just wasn’t ready to give up the “freedom” of my life for the sake of another person––let alone a little crawling drooling baby bean.
But GOD sure does have a way of humbling THE MESS out of me…to the point where it’s just rude.
At the time, my church was in the middle of our mid-year 21 Days of Prayer season, and we were charged with visiting our virtual prayer wall daily to pray for other members of our church family. THEE FIRST prayer request I stumbled upon the day I found out I was pregnant was a woman struggling with infertility. THEE SECOND prayer request: another woman praying to conceive. THEE THIRD. AND THEE FOURTH.
Just rude, man.
And then! As I was praying, I was immediately reminded of the promise GOD fulfilled through my mother.
My parents had been married for about three years and were actively trying to conceive, but nothing. Multiple doctors appointments and no one could explain it; just disappointment after disappointment. But my parents continued praying and believing GOD that they would conceive. And eventually, GOD answered their prayer. I was my parents’ first miracle baby; my sister was their second.
After being told she probably wouldn’t be able to have children, my mom conceived twice. And then 28 years later, her first miracle baby conceives without complication. It doesn’t make sense, but it sounds just like GOD.
I was checked so fast and had no other choice but to sob in gratitude and guilt. Sure, I was still very much unsure as to how everything was going to work out with this little baking bean now cooking up in my lady part, and still very scared, but I was also super thankful and just in awe of GOD’s faithfulness. His faithfulness toward me, toward my husband, toward my father, toward my mother.
Now, I can’t say I was a grateful and cheery preggo lady every day after that. ABSOLUTELY NOT. I promise you, once my first trimester really started to kick in, I wanted to be done with EVERYTHING and EVERYONE; we’ll talk about that next entry, though. But there is something to be said about all of this…
There is something to be said about when the unexpected happens when you least expect it. There is something to be said about when GOD says, “Okay, now is the time”––even when you think it’s not. There is something to be said about the grief that is triggered when a blessing comes unexpectedly and you aren’t sure you have the right hands to handle it.
What is there to be said, you ask?
That GOD is not far from you in those moments. He is not intimidated by your emotions––your shock, your confusion, or even your inability to express gratitude.
If we look at GOD as Jesus––the human being before He became the Savior, Christ wasn’t so grateful about being the superhero of the world. He loved us and took on the mission, but He was also ready to dip out and leave us to our own devices.
Scripture says in Luke 22:42 that Christ asked GOD to take the responsibility of dying for our sins from Him. Now granted, this scripture is definitely a lot more gracious than I was when I found out I was pregnant and just not with it, but I find solidarity in this verse. I find Jesus even more relatable––knowing that even Jesus, Himself, wanted to give up and wasn’t so hyped about this highly bestowed responsibility. He knew the reward of being seated next the Father and reuniting humanity back with The Father, but He also knew the cost, and it was the weight of that cost that drove Him to question if He was really down or not.
So, it’s okay.
It’s okay to not be hyped when the blessing you may have been praying for comes unexpectedly. It’s okay to grieve the timing and question if you are actually prepared. It’s okay to not be quick to express gratitude.
IT’S OKAY TO BE HUMAN.
Feel what you feel. Your grief––even your disappointment––is not sinful. What might be a little questionable is if we stay there.
What comforted me and helped me to not stay there was reminding myself (and constantly reminding myself) that GOD’s thoughts are not our thoughts, His ways are not our ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are His ways higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts [Isaiah 55:8-9]. I was also reminded that when our understanding of life and the timing of it all reaches its limit, that GOD is capable of giving us peace that surpasses all understanding [Philippians 4:7].
You won’t always understand the why or the when, but know that when the unexpected does happen, GOD is more than capable of not only keeping you and sustaining you, but He is also capable of giving you the peace needed to endure and uphold the responsibility of it. He’ll never send anything that would curse us or that He didn’t destine us for.
So whatever it is and whenever it comes and whenever it comes, know that GOD’s got you and that His timing is impeccable.
Yes, there’s a right time and way for everything, even though, unfortunately, we miss it for the most part. It’s true that no one knows what’s going to happen, or when. ––Ecclesiastes 8:6 MSG
Always praying GOD’s love + light your way,
xo, Nic.
