My Struggle with Lust

It's been a hot little minute since we've gathered here, friends.

But my pact to you remains–unpacking what the word of GOD says about what it means to be created in the image of GOD, and navigating our sexual identity through healthy, honest, and pure dialogue. I wanted to further unpack today by talking about my on-going struggle with lust. 

I made the decision to practice celibacy back in 2011 right before I headed off to college. And I'll be honest, my consistency with celibacy has been all over the place. ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE. You hear me?

Sure, majority of the time (peep, I said "majority") I wasn't having sex, but I definitely did everything else under the sun...well under the sheets. I pushed boundaries. Broke boundaries. Until there were no more boundaries left...and still had the nerve to call myself "celibate" because I wasn't actually having sex. But in GOD's eyes, I was (Proverbs 23:7).

Wait, we're confused, Nic.

(Hmmmm, how can I say this without getting too graphic and not imposing second-hand embarrassment for ya, friend.) Physically, I may not have been engaging in the actual act of sex that produces a child, but I was doing everything else. And according to scripture, "As a man/woman thinks in their heart, so are they" (Proverbs 23:7). So yeah, I was "doing it" and definitely committing adultery. 

But you're not married, sis. Were you having an affair?

Technically.

Wait, what?!

Friend, let me explain...

Anything outside of the parameters of marriage is described sexual immorality. GOD put sex into the confines of marriage for a reason (Genesis 2:24-25); we'll get to that in a bit. But as far as me committing adultery, let's define what adultery actually is–voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a person who is not his or her spouse.

See it?

Sis, you're not married...unless you got hitched and never told us.

In fact, I am and you are, too. In GOD's eyes, we (the church) are the bride of Christ (2 Corinthians 11:2, Ephesians 5:27, Revelations 19:7). Before we ever marry another human being, the moment we give our lives to Christ, we become His bride. And as His bride, our goal is to continue pursuing Christ–relentlessly–in the way He has pursued us through sanctification.

And that's where it gets a little ghetto for me.

When I began having sex, I was scared out of my mind. Like most of you, I was told a lot in church, "Don't have sex before you're married!" Never really was told the why (PROBLEM!), so when I "did it," I swore I was going to catch all of GOD's wrath in the form of an STD or an unplanned pregnancy.

Neither one of those things happened. But condemnation sure did. This thick cloud of self doubt, self despair, and self anguish would follow me for days. But once that cloud cleared, I repented, abstained for a while, and felt like I was back in GOD's good graces, I ended up "doing it"...again.

Then, a cycle began–the cycle of lust.

I'd have sex, repent, repeat. Even when I decided to take "sex" out of the picture and just see how far I could go physically without "having sex," but was still acting crazy, the cycle continued. It became intoxicating–addicting. That's what lust is; it's this very strong urge that takes over. It brings thrill; it can distort your ability to make sound judgement. 

For me, lust was enticing. It brought instant gratification; it made me feel good in the moment. It was like a high. But after that high went down, I was back under that thick cloud of self doubt, self despair, and self anguish. And soon enough, I found myself feeling further disconnected from GOD and unable to repent because, to be honest with you, I was mortified to even go to Him. I was ashamed.

This is why I believe Paul makes a very CLEAR and BLUNT case in favor of singleness–not just the marital status you file on your taxes. No, Paul was urging the saints to not date or marry...AT ALL.

In his letter to the people of Corinth, Paul writes, "...to the unmarried...I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried as I do...I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is. Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such commitment? Do not look for a wife" (1 Corinthians 7:8, 26-27).

Wait, so...why was Paul so against the people getting hitched?

Good question, my friend! That cycle of lust is a part of the reason why. 

Centuries before Paul was even a fetus, when GOD presented Moses a new set of commandments after presenting the first ten, He made it clear that He is jealous for us (Exodus 34:14). This jealousy isn't the kind of envy, but rather a jealousy that springs from devotion and care. In Exodus 34:14, GOD went on to tell Moses that He wanted the people of Israel to put no other gods before Him. After GOD led His children of Israel out of Egypt to the promise land, they had an idol problem; they were constantly going to worship other gods to fulfill their instant desires, instead of waiting on GOD. When GOD called for their patience to build their trust in Him, yet didn't deliver according to their  demands and their desires right away, the children of Israel thought it was better to go pray to lifeless metal statues (Numbers 25).

In other words, GOD wants our pure devotion, but oftentimes we allow other gods to get in the way of that devotion and our relationship with Him. For me, lust became a god. Anytime I would meet up with a partner or someone I was intimately involved with, as soon as we got alone, that's all I wanted to do. And the more I gave into lust, the further I'd go from seeking GOD.

At the time Paul was writing his letter to Corinth, sexual immorality had become what Paul described as a "crisis" (1 Corinthians 7:26). People's struggle with lust had become so bad that Paul was now calling for extreme measures like a life of singleness. Paul didn't disdain the beautiful union of marriage that GOD created (Genesis 2:18-24), but Paul saw how people were taking sex out of the original parameters GOD set it within (marriage), and were now using it for their own lustful desires instead of GOD's original purpose and plan for sex. Paul witnessed how sex being taken out of the parameters of marriage was capable of creating an idol–a separation between GOD and His people.

Our aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit (1 Corinthians 7:34). But it's really hard to do that when lust is in the way–drawing us in the opposite direction, separating us from GOD. Which is why GOD sets parameters. He sets standards and gives us clear commands on things not because He's a mean parent that's trying to keep what's good and fun...

*GASPS* You calling fornicating good and fun, sis?!!

Look here, what we not about to do is that! We not about to lie and act like sex is not good and fun. GOD intended for it to be that way...but between a husband and a wife (Proverbs 5:18-19, Hebrews 13:4).

So yeah, back to what I was saying before your gasps! GOD sets parameters not because He is trying to keep what is good from us. Instead, He sets those parameters as a teachable moment. GOD's parameters serve as an opportunity for us to seek Him about those parameters, learn what they are, why they were set, when they should be removed, and who they should be removed with.

GOD wants us to enjoy sex without the price of sin. GOD wants us to enjoy sex without the weight of condemnation. GOD wants us to enjoy sex without it separating us from Him.

But what if I've already gone too far with lust?

The truth is, friend, many of us have. But there's beauty in where you are right now and that beauty resides in Jesus. Like a wise parent, GOD knew some of His children would not understand the value of the parameters He set. He knew some of us would "break the rules" and go against what He told us to do. And while Jesus paid the price for us "breaking the rules," GOD still needs something from us–acknowledgment.

Repentance is us acknowledging that we were off; that we got it wrong. It's also an opportunity for reflection. But repentance is hard when you're surrounded by a cloud of condemnation. Let me remind you though, "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1). No guilt. No shame. However, the reality is that we–NOT GOD–condemn ourselves. But let me challenge you to see those moments of condemnation as a moment for conversation–a moment of conversation with your Father.

We won't always get this thing right; we–you and I–won't. But GOD is faithful to continue performing His good work in us and finish it. All He needs is our devotion and willingness.

My last TRANSPARENCY pact to you was to uncover how I've struggled expressing my sexuality and how that led to more than a decade’s worth of me falling in and out of sexual sin, and an identity crisis. I've given some insight on that, but the root of it is much deeper: my lack of fully understanding my self worth, my identity and who GOD called me to be even with my sexual desires. We'll unpack the root of this all next time, but until then, I want to re-ask you these questions:

              1. Do I know what it means to express my sexuality righteously?
              2. How do I express my sexuality?
              3. Where do I struggle expressing myself sexually?

Until we meet again next month, stay safe, stay healthy & connected in Christ,

xo, Nic.